Satchitananda

...It means to be is to be blissful, to be in truth is to be blissful; there is no other way of being. If you are miserable, that only shows that you have lost contact with being.

On the second day, I stopped.

Like the chaos of Rishikesh petering out in the late afternoon heat, my drive "to do" vanished and as replaced by surrender. I don't think I have truly stopped since my dad died. Rested, yes. Taken moments of stillness, yes...but mostly moments punctuated by immense spans of doing, moving, pushing, fleeing.

One of my fears about coming here was that I would not be able to stop. Today when I lay down for a nap after a silent ayurvedic lunch, I collapsed on to my bed. I was planning what I was going to do in the afternoon; sweep for karma yoga, read a book, write in my journal. But as I lay there, surrender took over and months and months of weariness began to release from my body in waves. A voice said, "Listen to your IPOD." Another voice said, "Think about a, b, c..this is the perfect time to daydream." I could do neither. I could only surrender further into rest.

Perhaps it is sitting at the feet of a Guru, watching her, patterning my own stillness after hers.

Perhaps it is the ayurvedic food and tea, the organic goodness from the garden and sacred cows below my window.

Perhaps it is the asana practice; feeling relaxed and complete, in touch with my breath.

Perhaps it was simply just time to let go.

I slept and I slept. Kiki got up and went about her day while I missed class, dinner, evening aarti. It started to rain, a lovely break from the heat and still I slept...9 hours later I am up for a short minute to drink some tea and brush my teeth before I let go again into myself, into the sweet bliss of sleep.

"As you feel..," this is what Mandakini advises in relation to all things we are able to participate in here at the ashram. It is lovely to have the space to really listen to myself and to what my mind/body/spirit need. How would our society be different if the mantra was, "as you feel," instead of, "you will be defined by what you DO."

The body/mind/spirit desires to be in balance, in health and in happiness. Given the space and opportunity it will heal itself. It is the nature of connection..the nature of the Universe...when you can stop improving yourself..life naturally improves you.